Aileen Smith .
Self Growth
Phone 0405331575

Aileen Smith.webs.com.

  Specialist Marriage, Relationship and Personal Counselling
                                  

Articles by Aileen Smith


The Truth Will Set You Free
Published Self Growth.com

When Cupid calls, the Rose Coloured Glasses colour our world and the world suddenly becomes a magical place - just like something out of Disney!

You're the handsome prince/princess and the other person is your Perfect Match.
Yes, that is indeed the vision of "Falling in Love" that so many people have been led to trust.

All the world loves a lover and believe me, I'm the first person to want to see everyone happy and in love. Being "in love" in the romantic fairy tale sense of the word, is blissful and bliss is delicious! However, if it is to be a union that will be filled with real love for the rest of your life - for example within a marriage, then it is imperative that you take off the rose coloured glasses and do some personal, emotional accounting. As well, you need to take a "clear visioned" and "honest" look at your potential spouse.

This is not designed to "dump your dreams" or "demolish" your futures spouse's character beyond repair. It is a way to fundamentally establish "realities" from which you can make loving and self respecting choices. These choices will afford true and lasting happiness for both of you going forward. Instead of "gifting" yourself and your partner a "Happily Ever After" dream-come-true scenario, you must ask questions of yourself and each other which will elicit truths which may otherwise be hidden or overlooked.

When in love, our "magical thinking" allows us to see only the good in our future partners and if they don't have certain qualities that we want them to have, we will "gift" these qualities to them. They then "qualify" for Miss or Mr Right.

We automatically ASSUME they are PERFECT! This often proves a very risky way to make long term choices for the rest of your life.

We become SO obsessed with the "Perfect Dream" we have dreamt up for ourselves, that if some pieces don't fit the jigsaw well enough, we endeavour to MAKE THEM FIT by short cutting the sharp edges with our own particular brand of "denial."

For example, if Mr or Miss Right drinks too much and flirts with others, in order to maintain our Perfect Dream, we make excuses for their behaviour - "It was their birthday" or "They don't drink that much. I'm sure everything will be perfect, when we're married."

The long and the short of it is - Don't look for the Good or the Bad -
LOOK FOR THE TRUTH!

You find the maturity within yourself to accept whatever truth you find as a result of removing the rose coloured glasses for a little while.

The Truth will either reassure you that you are with your Perfect Match or it will wake you up in time to save your from a miserable future.
Whichever is the case, count your blessings and know that –

The Truth Will Set You Free

THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS SET YOU FREE!
 
JEALOUSY - Who’s Got the Problem? 


How many times have you been jealous in your life?

Starting from when we’re little, we are seeking assurance that we “measure up”.


We need to know that we are good enough, acceptable, likeable, clever, attractive  so that we can feel worthwhile.


If we don’t get these assurances as we grow up, we are sitting ducks for the green-eyed monster to gobble us up in our relationships down the track.


EVEN IF WE DO HAVE A REASONABLY CONFIDENT VIEW OF OURSELVES, IT CAN BE VIOLENTLY UNDERMINED OR ERODED BY THE INSIDIOUS, VITRIOLIC  PHENOMENON CALLED JEALOUSY


There wouldn’t be too many of us who haven’t been confronted by this horrible experience sometime in our lives.


It can happen anywhere – in relationships, at work, in families, with friends and neighbours you don’t even know.


Jealousy is another word for FEAR.


Fear that, because of someone else, WE ARE SUDDENLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

The CURE (and there is one!) for jealousy is to rebuild your self esteem and self respect.

Yes, I know you’ve heard all this before but, like it or not, until you do this,
JEALOUSY WILL STALK YOU AND RUIN YOUR HAPPINESS EVERY TIME.

I CAN HEAR YOU SAYING THAT IF MY PARTNER OR MY BROTHER/SISTER/FRIEND DIDN’T DO “ABC”,
THEN I WOULDN’T BE JEALOUS.

Sure, I agree that others can wittingly or unwittingly stimulate the green juice to flood our brain with the fear that terrorises and turns us into irrational, angry, needy, tortured wrecks of our usually “normal” selves.

It’s a horrible place to be.

If this is happening to you in your life, you must ADDRESS IT
NOW

Work out what your triggers are.

Do these feelings only surface if you’ve been drinking a little or a lot too much?

Do these feelings only surface when you go to a social function and your partner flirts?

Does it happen when others flirt with your partner?

Are you coming from being traumatized by a previous relationship where your self esteem was trashed?

Do you fear being on your own so that you are over zealously,
over jealously coverting “ your PROPERTY” i.e. your partner/spouse?

Can you see yet, that whatever the trigger of your jealousy, YOU  let it “take you over” and then you look like “the bad guy.”
\
This is the point where

a)  You have to recognize what’s happening and

b)  Do something about it by realizing your insecurity is playing HAVOC with your life.

I’m not saying that others are doing the “right” thing by you.

In fact, you need to understand that if your partner or someone else is disrespecting the relationship, this in no way reflects on you.

It shows that THEY have little or nor respect for the relationship.
This is its own problem!

So, “IRRESPECTIVE” of what others are doing,
YOU NEED TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY YOU.

Get help if you need to so that you can work through your insecurities and rediscover (or find for the first time) YOUR OWN SELF RESPECT.

THIS IS THE KEY TO ANNIHILATING JEALOUSY FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS ARE DOING.

If you respect yourself and value and like yourself to an unshakeable, healthy level, then you won’t be upset by the JEALOUSY MONSTER anymore.

You must keep your dignity by firstly respecting yourself.

This means you must have a policy in your life where you REFUSE to allow anyone -
your mother/father, brother/sister, husband/children/boss/friends to use or abuse you in anyway shape or form.

SUGGESTED THERAPY STRATEGIES

The first thing you can do, as, I said earlier, is to start searching your past
to find the instances where your self esteem and self respect were eroded, undermined, or indeed, trashed.

Write and “reshape that incident” to a scenario where you stayed in your own power and “REFUSED” to let that person/s hurt and abuse you.

Do this for each incident you can remember.

Once you have done this on paper, then, do it by VISUALIZING your empowered scene until you are FIRMLY SET in your sense of personal respect, dignity and personal power.

This exercise will help tremendously to restore your shattered sense of personal power and self worth.  DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

Then, say the following affirmations day and night to “REINFORCE” you feelings of self respect and rightful personal power.

Understand that you cannot control others, you can only change your own behaviour and to do that in a healthy way, you must always come from a position of self love, self respect and personal security.
Do the affirmations!  Do the affirmations!
DO THE AFFIRMATIONS!

Remember this is about YOU and YOUR HAPPINESS and WELLBEING.
If you are a victim of JEALOUSY,

YOU MUST TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF AND MAKE THESE CHANGES

NOW!                             


AFFIRMATIONS  ♥

Say these aloud three times morning and night.                                       
I am a good and worthwhile person.

I respect and love myself unconditionally.         

I have a friendly personality which draws people to me.

I am talented.

I am intelligent.

I have a sense of humour.

I am very loving.

I am my own best friend.  I APPROVE OF MYSELF.

I deserve to be treated with respect at all times.

I have choices.

I am in control of my life.

All I have to do to change my life is change my thinking.

I have the right to say NO!

I deserve the best.

I am beautiful in every way.

I am 100% responsible for myself.

I am not responsible for anyone else.

I deserve to be HAPPY.

I deserve to live a worthwhile and fulfilled life.

I am safe, calm and in control of myself.

 IF AFFECTION IS EMOTIONAL NUTRITION

    HOW HUNGRY ARE YOU?

On a scale of 1 – 10, how emotionally fulfilled do you feel in your relationships?

Like everything else in our lives, the first port of call for our personal wellbeing has to be with ourselves.
 
So, how do we affectionately nurture ourselves?
 
To be emotionally content and happy within ourselves, the first requirement for us to know is that we are absolutely, a good person.

We all have regrets for past, not so good decisions; some of us carry guilt for things we wish we had done differently, but it’s time to take stock and do a reality check on who WE really are as a person in this world.

Answer these questions-

Do you intentionally go around hurting others?

Are you a vicious murderer or terrorist?

Are you someone who has no respect for children?

If you answered NO to these questions, then,

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.

And, the bottom line is that is the most important thing any of us needs to know about ourselves!

From that position, everything else can be sorted out, even if you need to get some professional help to do that.

Counselling changes lives for the better.  It can reframe your thinking to help you let go of past regrets, shame, bitterness, legacies from the past which are sabotaging your happiness today and in the future.

If you need help to like yourself again and move forward in your life, help is there for you.

When you’ve cleared the baggage, then you are ready to affirm yourself and your life in a consistently positive way.

It’s not rocket science – to feel happy, write down a list of things that you know make you happy and give yourself permission to do those things!

Take time for yourself in your life.  Look at your talents  and start exploring them.

Are you honouring the gifts you’ve been given or are you hiding them away in a cupboard going through the motions of life, but not enjoying your own uniqueness!

I once wrote a poem on this subject called –

“Don’t Crack Up, Get Cracking!”

It’s good advice.  If you deny yourself the joy of becoming your “best possible self”, then you also rob those who love you and the rest of your world of the contributions you can make when you come from that position.

Check out who you are today!

If you need to make some changes or you need to get help to make some changes, get it!

Don’t wait.  Don’t stay miserable –

Step up to the plate and see what you are capable of.

Challenge yourself to be your “best possible self” by being “your own best friend” and support and nurture yourself to this end by being as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend.

They say LOVE BEGINS AT HOME.

Only when you love and respect yourself can you truly love and respect anyone else.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, find your love and bring it back to its source-

bring it back to its source-

BRING IT BACK TO YOU!!!!!

Aileen Smith, Therapist.

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